Do…Change the Scenery

“Just do it”, they say. “If you want something bad enough, you’ll do what it takes to get it.” Well, I’m not sure I know what it feels like to want something bad enough. Or maybe I do but my execution sucks. Yeah, that’s probably it. I get an idea, I plan and research, write down random notes, make lists, sometime an outline, and then when it’s time to take that first faithful step, the anxiety kicks in and I hesitate. Which feeds into doubt, which in turn ends with me never having committed a single act of actual progression. For the record, I’ve never had an actual problem with anxiety but depression is definitely a contributing factor in my reluctance to succeed. I’m just not confident in my abilities these days.

Currently, I’m on my way to make a career change into web development from EMS (emergency medical services), which I don’t care for at all. I’ve never built a page for another before and for whatever reason, I don’t seem to have the ideas coming to me that has me at least trying to work on my own projects. A fan page? A page demonstrating my newly acquired skills in HTML and CSS? A decent blog even?! I just feel like nothing I do can live up to my own expectations. To the standards I see set everyday. To the expectations of others, despite the fact that I haven’t actually let anyone see what I have to offer due to my own harsh criticisms toward my own abilities.There are so many things I want to do but I just don’t <strong>DO</strong> anything! I’m tired of myself any my thoughts.

“You have to surround yourself with like-minded individuals.”

…Okay, okay. I’m sure I have a lot to as far as this subject is regarded but I’m not much of a writer which is the whole reason I got a blog in he first place, just to work on that and I don’t even do it. *sigh* I’m my own worst enemy. The plus side is that I am keenly aware of some of these personal issues and do actually look to remedy them. The problem is that I don’t execute for the very reasons stated above. So I’ve decided to join the Computer Science Club at my school when that starts up to get myself some exposure to people who may actually be doing what they say they want to do. I could learn a thing or two from “normal” people. Leaving my room might actually be a good thing. If I don’t beat myself up for it. It’s like I can’t do anything right…to me.

Nevermind

All my life I feel like I’m standing on the sidelines because I haven’t the drive to attack. I feel like a failure 80% of the time and see the success of others not as encouragement, motivation, or something I can look forward to, but a deterrent. Like when you just start out and while watching the pros, you realize you’ve wasted your time. Why bother? I feel good for a week or 3 then it’s back to the dumps. I don’t need a gun, not because I’ll hurt others but because I’d do away with myself.

Back to work doing what I hate.

Emerging Decisions

I’ve always wanted to write a blog and keep up with it every week or so, getting my thoughts and experiences out there to those who might be interested and have some insight to offer on possibilities I could be overlooking. As are most, I am a rather…

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